Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I'm sorry, I thought this was America

Seeking athletic, attractive men for club event
Looking for guys for a huge upcoming event at a premier nightclub! This is sure to be the biggest blowout before the new year and we need top quality guys to dance and have a great time. Are you athletic, ripped and muscled, or have some killer tattoos to show off? We want you.

This is discrimination at its finest. What’s the country coming to when a chubby, jobless basement-dweller can’t get a paying gig dancing shirtless with a field of more attractive women? I mean, we’ve had Supreme Court cases to prevent this type of injustice. Someone needs to lookup Brown v. Board of Education.

So come on, nightclub. Be honest. You’re seeking douche bags for douche night on douche year’s eve. Now I finally understand why I have no success with women out on the town—the bars are shipping in genetically engineered sleaze machines from the Bro Factory to distract the ladies from genuine catches like myself. And while neither the Dirt-Bag-Tron 2000 nor I may actually care about the feelings and personalities of said women, at least I’m not being paid to be shallow. My work is pro-boner. I mean pro-bono.

This is a sickening practice and I would have no part in it even if I was athletic and covered in tattoos. I’m almost positive about that. Fifty-one percent sure. They probably pay in the form of cartons of Axe Body Spray anyway.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS, broski.