Monday, November 23, 2009

Adding “specialist” doesn’t make it any more special

Employment Specialist
Employment Specialists to provide individualized job placement assistance. We prefer a dynamic, enthusiastic person with excellent interpersonal and communication skills, and a high level of customer service to work with clients from various backgrounds.

If I were the president of a university, I’d remove psychology from the program. Then I would expel all the current psychology majors and use bribes to blacklist all of them from attending any other college. See, the country has way too many psychology majors, which is disastrous because it’s a piece of shit cop-out major for confused youth too lazy to decide on a real career. What can you do with a psychology major? Nothing, unless you waste more of your life going to graduate school, but anyone who shells out that much cash for such a useless career is too misguided to be giving others advice anyway.

This is the unfortunate reason there’s a market demand for employment specialists. A majority of their clients are either homeless alcoholics or psychology majors. And to be honest, I’d kick ass as an employment specialist. I’m good at assessing where the uselessness of people would be best put to use. But nobody wants to hear what they should be doing. Every time I tell a woman she’d make a fantastic prostitute, I get a slap on the face instead of a check for my services.

So I definitely can’t spend all day dealing with lost bums who can’t find jobs. Yeah, I know I don’t have a job either. But at least I’ve chosen an industry to be a failure in. These people are whiners with no clue where they belong, which would make being an employment specialist an awful lot like being a psychologist. Which means if I were to create a program that trains future employment specialists, I could probably earn millions from delusional college students too. Genius.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.