Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm not lowering myself down to this

Janitor: Free Rent for Minimal Work
We are looking for a responsible and dependable maintenance man for our building. The duties include general cleaning of halls and immediate exterior premises and handling tenant complaints and showing apartments for rent. The compensation is free rent in the builing [sic] and occasional paid side work.

Hey look, it’s the job I already have. My parents’ basement may be free, but I must begrudgingly accept any task they give me in exchange. So when my mom drops an egg, I’m the one who has to lick it off the floor. When my dad has an itch on his ass, guess who has to scratch it.

So this position seems like a fair trade, except, believe it or not, I can’t stand doing minimal amounts of work. That’s what the rest of the country does—they strive for getting by with the least effort and most vacation possible, and they’re all pieces of shit for it. I’m not a piece of shit. I’m a productive member of society. Through advertising, I want to convince people to buy shit they don’t need, so companies will require more productive employees to fulfill their shit quota; ergo, a lesser percentage of our workforce will be freeloading shitbags.

Look at GM. They failed because the unions discovered that if they combine forces, they become a shit storm so powerful that they can be lazy burdens on society for decades with impunity. This is wrong. We need to kill unions, the 40 hour work week and child labor laws. Children are the biggest pieces of shit there are. They hemorrhage through our money in unproductive schools when they could be making my next pair of shoes. And I go through shoes quickly, because I kick a lot of children.

But there’s nothing wrong with being a janitor in general. I could be one, provided I’d be busy. Just like advertising, I’d be cleaning up other people’s shit and practically living where I work. There’s not a big difference there.

However, I will not accept a job that boasts "minimal work." I’ll do the honorable thing and stick it out in my parents’ basement until I finally make it in the industry that properly abuses me like it is 19th century America.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.