Thursday, November 12, 2009

Fame and fortune

Personal Acting Managers
Hiring Personal Acting Managers
• Assist with the development of actors
• Networking on behalf of actors
• Assist with photo shots
• Assist with resume building
• Assist with finding gigs for actors

I like to check up on the jobs in Los Angeles, as people often tell me its a shit hole full of trash and insufferable traffic, which sounds like the next logical step up from my parents’ basement. Also, I have frequent fantasies of kidnapping famous actors and beating them over the head with the collective weight of all the screenplays I’ve written which they refuse to star in. If you’re reading this Ellen Page, remember there’s a finite amount of times you can change your phone number.

Anyway, this is a job I could do. I have plenty of experience from being a huge Entourage fanboy. I yell at Vince on the TV all the time with my wise industry guidance, so I know how easy it’d be for me to manage an actor.

Actor: "I think I wanna hook up with that chick."
Me: "Nah bro, you can do better."
Actor: "I think I’ll make that movie."
Me: "Nah bro, you can do better."
Actor: "You’re a good manager."
Me: "Nah bro, you can—wait, yes, I am, thanks."

My response:
Dear anonymous entity looking for an actor manager,

I’m your man for this position. I would like to start work ASAP and manage Ellen Page, as I think we’d work well together. Really, really, really ****ing well. But don’t take her word for it. Take mine.

Depending on how a certain court case works out I may have to telecommute from at least 500 yards away for this position.


Verdict: APPLIED