Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Basement Boy gets a job

Can you believe it? After nearly twenty million offers, basement boy accepted a job he’s not too good for (though it was close). I’ll soon be an employed copywriter, so any good ad campaign you notice a few months from now will most likely be my work.

To everyone who has grown to worship me, I wish I could thank you each individually. But I only have so long to live, and I really don’t give a shit about you.

If you want to make an awesome movie or just want to exchange dirty email conversations, will forward to my real email from now through eternity. Seriously, if you don’t make money off my screenplays, you’ll find someone else who does pissing on you from the top of a balcony someday.

I’m done with this blog and my parents’ basement. Good luck finding something better to read.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Adding “specialist” doesn’t make it any more special

Employment Specialist
Employment Specialists to provide individualized job placement assistance. We prefer a dynamic, enthusiastic person with excellent interpersonal and communication skills, and a high level of customer service to work with clients from various backgrounds.

If I were the president of a university, I’d remove psychology from the program. Then I would expel all the current psychology majors and use bribes to blacklist all of them from attending any other college. See, the country has way too many psychology majors, which is disastrous because it’s a piece of shit cop-out major for confused youth too lazy to decide on a real career. What can you do with a psychology major? Nothing, unless you waste more of your life going to graduate school, but anyone who shells out that much cash for such a useless career is too misguided to be giving others advice anyway.

This is the unfortunate reason there’s a market demand for employment specialists. A majority of their clients are either homeless alcoholics or psychology majors. And to be honest, I’d kick ass as an employment specialist. I’m good at assessing where the uselessness of people would be best put to use. But nobody wants to hear what they should be doing. Every time I tell a woman she’d make a fantastic prostitute, I get a slap on the face instead of a check for my services.

So I definitely can’t spend all day dealing with lost bums who can’t find jobs. Yeah, I know I don’t have a job either. But at least I’ve chosen an industry to be a failure in. These people are whiners with no clue where they belong, which would make being an employment specialist an awful lot like being a psychologist. Which means if I were to create a program that trains future employment specialists, I could probably earn millions from delusional college students too. Genius.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm not lowering myself down to this

Janitor: Free Rent for Minimal Work
We are looking for a responsible and dependable maintenance man for our building. The duties include general cleaning of halls and immediate exterior premises and handling tenant complaints and showing apartments for rent. The compensation is free rent in the builing [sic] and occasional paid side work.

Hey look, it’s the job I already have. My parents’ basement may be free, but I must begrudgingly accept any task they give me in exchange. So when my mom drops an egg, I’m the one who has to lick it off the floor. When my dad has an itch on his ass, guess who has to scratch it.

So this position seems like a fair trade, except, believe it or not, I can’t stand doing minimal amounts of work. That’s what the rest of the country does—they strive for getting by with the least effort and most vacation possible, and they’re all pieces of shit for it. I’m not a piece of shit. I’m a productive member of society. Through advertising, I want to convince people to buy shit they don’t need, so companies will require more productive employees to fulfill their shit quota; ergo, a lesser percentage of our workforce will be freeloading shitbags.

Look at GM. They failed because the unions discovered that if they combine forces, they become a shit storm so powerful that they can be lazy burdens on society for decades with impunity. This is wrong. We need to kill unions, the 40 hour work week and child labor laws. Children are the biggest pieces of shit there are. They hemorrhage through our money in unproductive schools when they could be making my next pair of shoes. And I go through shoes quickly, because I kick a lot of children.

But there’s nothing wrong with being a janitor in general. I could be one, provided I’d be busy. Just like advertising, I’d be cleaning up other people’s shit and practically living where I work. There’s not a big difference there.

However, I will not accept a job that boasts "minimal work." I’ll do the honorable thing and stick it out in my parents’ basement until I finally make it in the industry that properly abuses me like it is 19th century America.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I don’t need to pretend I’m better than everyone, because I already am

Social Worker
Responsibilities include psycho-social assessments, individual and group counseling, documentation, outreach and marketing for the center. Bilingual in Spanish preferred.

Cry me a river, world. Everyone’s lives have been just SO rough and unfair, there’s a whole sector of the economy dedicated to listening to self-destructive weak whiners bitch and moan. Boo hoo, I sell my body for crack. Poor me. Boo hoo, my husband beats me daily. Please help me.

Seriously people, try finding a REAL problem, like living in your parents’ basement. I’ve had it worse than nearly everyone, and you don’t see me complaining to the masses, do you?

Considering I’m in no need of a codependent entourage of basket cases, being a social worker is definitely not for me. I don’t understand why anyone wants to dedicate their lives to helping people in general. There’s no money or advancement in that, hence no satisfaction. I think people only do it so they can hold a perceived moral high ground that only exists in their head.

For instance, let’s talk about Gerald the social worker. Gerald likes to go to parties and prance around with a high-and-mighty prick grin, so that when I tell him about my new Lexus he can respond by bragging about how many worthless space-fillers he’s “saved” from society’s underground. I’ll then leave the party, only to see one of Gerald’s patients, Crapo, stealing my Lexus. Of course, Crapo is running on a handle of Jim Beam and some tainted heroin, so he crashes the Lexus, throws some of his own blood at me and then takes off running. The next day, Crapo shows up for group counseling and complains to Gerald about how he was in a car crash and life just can’t get worse. Gerald comforts Crapo, gives him a handjob and then leaves to brag about it at a different party I cannot make because my ride is trashed and my suit is covered in Crapo’s blood.

So really, what’s so just and noble about that?

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I'm sorry, I thought this was America

Seeking athletic, attractive men for club event
Looking for guys for a huge upcoming event at a premier nightclub! This is sure to be the biggest blowout before the new year and we need top quality guys to dance and have a great time. Are you athletic, ripped and muscled, or have some killer tattoos to show off? We want you.

This is discrimination at its finest. What’s the country coming to when a chubby, jobless basement-dweller can’t get a paying gig dancing shirtless with a field of more attractive women? I mean, we’ve had Supreme Court cases to prevent this type of injustice. Someone needs to lookup Brown v. Board of Education.

So come on, nightclub. Be honest. You’re seeking douche bags for douche night on douche year’s eve. Now I finally understand why I have no success with women out on the town—the bars are shipping in genetically engineered sleaze machines from the Bro Factory to distract the ladies from genuine catches like myself. And while neither the Dirt-Bag-Tron 2000 nor I may actually care about the feelings and personalities of said women, at least I’m not being paid to be shallow. My work is pro-boner. I mean pro-bono.

This is a sickening practice and I would have no part in it even if I was athletic and covered in tattoos. I’m almost positive about that. Fifty-one percent sure. They probably pay in the form of cartons of Axe Body Spray anyway.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS, broski.

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's like winning the lottery, while getting laid

Anonymous Sperm Donors Needed
It’s true! As a sperm donor, you earn $6,300.00 + bonus incentives for your donations. Make dreams a reality for infertile couples or singles who wish to create a family while earning the money you want for college, travel or to supplement your personal income.

Wow. How on Earth had I not thought about this before? I hate children, but I also feel the moral obligation to saturate the gene pool with my superior genetic material. This removes all the responsibility on my part while further ensuring the advancement and proliferation of the human race. And, of course, I’ll get paid for doing a job at least second to the awesomeness of advertising, which really is the urgent issue here.

The only problem is that I may not earn enough money to move out of my parents’ basement. But I guess I could just not go home and get loads of cash in overtime.

Yeah, that’s it, I’m sold. Sign me up. Just have to finish reading the job posting…
We are looking for men 18 to 35 who are currently enrolled in college or show success in a chosen career.

Well, shit.

Verdict: REJECTED for the job… but I can still do the work.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hell no, I won't tow

Tow Truck Driver
We are looking for an experienced Tow Truck Driver, with a great attitude, people skills and a flexible schedule. We offer competitive wages and benefits along with a state of the art facility and trucks.

You know how large masses in this country get violently upset at corporations like Halliburton? How any company who engages in innocent activities such as profiting from war or raping the crust of the Earth for oil is the new devil of our time? Well, that’s how I feel about towing companies. They are, for the most part, forged from pure evil and staffed with demon employees who relish every moment they can prolong the ransom for your piece of shit vehicle.

I was once towed from my apartment due to a mistake on the part of my landlord. I was away that weekend, driving in a friend’s car. And I didn’t go to use my car for another two days once I returned. All this time, it was at the towing company, being charged an extra $50 each day for a storage fee in their completely empty lot. They said it wasn’t their fault my landlord is a moron, and I owe $400 for the very hard work they did of moving my car two miles. But the worst part was how much they enjoyed doing that. They were like those demented kids you see pulling the wings off dragon flies and frying live ants with a magnifying glass. Yeah, I did that too as a kid, but that’s not the point.

Of course, my landlord refused to pay for it too. I could have taken her to small claims court if I wanted to miss work, but odds say she would have gotten off anyway on her legitimate defense of being brain dead.

So no, I will not be a tow truck driver. Even though the amount of evil involved is well up to my standards.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Fame and fortune

Personal Acting Managers
Hiring Personal Acting Managers
• Assist with the development of actors
• Networking on behalf of actors
• Assist with photo shots
• Assist with resume building
• Assist with finding gigs for actors

I like to check up on the jobs in Los Angeles, as people often tell me its a shit hole full of trash and insufferable traffic, which sounds like the next logical step up from my parents’ basement. Also, I have frequent fantasies of kidnapping famous actors and beating them over the head with the collective weight of all the screenplays I’ve written which they refuse to star in. If you’re reading this Ellen Page, remember there’s a finite amount of times you can change your phone number.

Anyway, this is a job I could do. I have plenty of experience from being a huge Entourage fanboy. I yell at Vince on the TV all the time with my wise industry guidance, so I know how easy it’d be for me to manage an actor.

Actor: "I think I wanna hook up with that chick."
Me: "Nah bro, you can do better."
Actor: "I think I’ll make that movie."
Me: "Nah bro, you can do better."
Actor: "You’re a good manager."
Me: "Nah bro, you can—wait, yes, I am, thanks."

My response:
Dear anonymous entity looking for an actor manager,

I’m your man for this position. I would like to start work ASAP and manage Ellen Page, as I think we’d work well together. Really, really, really ****ing well. But don’t take her word for it. Take mine.

Depending on how a certain court case works out I may have to telecommute from at least 500 yards away for this position.


Verdict: APPLIED

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Time to train those children

Live in nanny
Looking for a live in nanny please tell me more about yourself what you are looking for I would like to go back to my job which was days but need a nanny for my kids

This woman can’t construct a sentence, so it’s a given I’ll despise her children as well, who I’m guessing probably only communicate with flailing gestures and gorilla-esque chest pounding. But hey, mostly everyone not in advertising seem to range in the discontent to depressed range anyway, so I may as well try to be normal for once.

My response to the posting:
Dear likely single mother,

I’m interested in your Craigslist position for a nanny. I should say from the start that although I have no experience with kids whatsoever, I maintained several moderately successful ant farms throughout my childhood. Luckily, the guiding principles are the same.

For instance, your children will receive top of the line discipline. If they are clearly out of line, I will shake them violently in a large plastic container until they learn their lesson. The length of the shaking will obviously vary by age, so you can expect any babies you may have to receive a significant amount of personal attention. Also, I request that you supply the large plastic container. And some bags of sand.

I will also require a small subsidy for alcohol, as it is necessary when dealing with children in groups. However, I do promise to only drink moderately, unless it is a special occasion like a Wednesday afternoon.

My pants will be on at least 90% of the time.

Hope to hear back soon!

Verdict: APPLIED

Well, that was unexpected

Only on Craigslist can I respond to a seemingly legitimate copywriter position and receive a reply like this:
Thanks for your interest in the website reviewer position. We are currently looking for honest people with a keen eye for detail to visit various adult sites online and write the things they like and dislike about each. We will require 12 reviews per week which are due by 2pm every Friday.

The starting wage for this post is $350 per week which rises after 6 months. No previous experience is required for this position. The only requirement we have is that you submit a 100-word review of the members area at a pre-selected site.

Wow. $350 a week for writing about porn. I’ve never had to contemplate the moral standards behind a job opportunity. Am I the kind of person who can go against the advice of society… and mix work with hobbies?

Could I tell my future children I got my start by being a paid pornography reviewer?

Well, yeah, I could. I’d probably even find excuses just to mention it.

The real problem here is the not-so-rigorous standards: "write the things [you] like and dislike about each." I’m pretty passionate about film and photography, and I think the advanced technical terms and analysis in my reviews may escape the average smut surfer. For instance:
"I don’t know about the tits on this chick. I mean, I’ve seen better. Even if not in real life. I live in my parents’ basement."

They probably wouldn’t understand just two sentences of that.

Verdict: Sorry, I’ll PASS.